


Starting to Think

by lunalight_3031



Category: personal diary - Fandom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:13:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28237503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunalight_3031/pseuds/lunalight_3031
Summary: This is basically my online journal that I'm okay with anyone reading. :)





	1. December 22, 2020

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Welcome to my little journal. I hope you stick around for a bit and enjoy:)

December 22, 2020

Song of the day: “The Middle” -Jimmy Eat World

This year has been dull -alive yet dull. I couldn’t tell you what I did all summer except dream about my teenage fantasies of living the main character’s life in a coming-of-age indie movie, watch “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” a concerning amount of times, and read books assigned for the summer. I also couldn’t tell you if I was happy or not before quarantine, and if there was a difference at all in my mental health since quarantine started. Everything is bittersweet, infuriating, and subdued, and it always has been. I haven’t seen my friends from school since March, but I did get to meet my friends at home for a bit. I can’t believe I managed to survive three months of online school. It felt like it was all actually compressed into two weeks, but two extremely tedious, monotonous, and exhausting weeks.  
My friend got out of rehab. I couldn’t talk to them for three months, but now it seems weird to talk to them. We’ve been best friends for two years, but something’s different. Maybe it’s because they are better, and if that’s the case, I’m okay with that. I just want them to be okay.  
It’s currently 4:30 am. I’m tired, so this has a short ending.  
I hope someone reads my journals and this one day, and I hope they enjoy it.


	2. January 10, 2021

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mention of death, depression, and suicidal thoughts.

January 10, 2021

Song of the day: “Wake Me Up When September Ends” -Green Day

Happy new year! I don’t have any New Years Resolutions. I think they’re dumb. You shouldn’t wait until the new year to change your life -take action now.

I go into this new year with grief and loss from the passing of my step-dad in July just six days before my birthday. I have been blessed before to not have experienced a significant loss in my family. I have one set of grandparents, but I never knew the other set because I wasn’t born yet. My parents are divorced, but it happened when I was very young. I do have a lot of trauma but that’s a story for another day. So, I don’t know how to deal with grief. I was never very close to the guy, but I feel a tremendous amount of anguish. Why? Maybe I just feel bad for my mom, and guilty that I had to leave her home all alone as I stay a school 3 hours away. My brother doesn’t know how to be empathetic and try to understand her grief. Instead, he insults a dead man and fights her. I love him but he’s an asshole. Why do we love people but hate everything they do? I love my mother but I hate the way she treats me. I love my dad but I wish he could support me. I love my brother but I wish he weren’t a complete dick. I love that I want to help people, but I hate that I don’t always succeed, and then I hate myself more. 

I saw this thing that said, “It’s always the suicidal kids that tell other suicidal kids not to kill themselves,” and I was like lmao yea. I need therapy - I was in therapy for a few months in my freshman year. Freshman year was horrible but perfect. I started out the summer before freshman year, heavily depressed and suicidal, trying to kill myself 6 times and miserably failing because my immune system was like “You’re not dying, bitch.” That lasted until April the next year. In March, I went on medical leave for those suicidal thoughts, but my first therapist didn’t take me seriously. He said I was too young to know my sexuality, and that I was being dramatic. My parents thought the same thing. There’s no use telling them now about it. In April, I went back to school. It was sunny, I had many friends, and although my grades sucked, I was happy. I haven’t felt that way since -it’s been almost two years. Maybe I would feel okay if he didn’t die. If I didn’t have to endure my mother’s anger outburst and take it because that’s her way of expressing her grief. I let her do it because she needs therapy, and doesn’t know any better. I feel so small, unable to help her, or my brother. My dad is living his life being rich. I feel like I carry so much responsibility to just make sure my mother and brother don’t kill each other. I feel so small. I can’t do anything. I couldn’t save him, I can’t heal my mom, I can’t fix my brother’s emotions and I can’t get better. I just want to get better.

My words are echoing through an empty chamber as they have been for years.


	3. January 16, 2021

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gargoyles and jesters

Song of the day: “The Story” -Conan Gray

I go to a very nice high school. For privacy reasons, I won’t say the name of it, or where it is exactly located. It was built in 1814, under a woman who believed that all girls deserve a chance at the same education a boy receives. Of course, she didn’t mean girls of color, but times changed and here I am in her school. The buildings are gothic-like, but the interior is more modern to accommodate for modern technology. The wood is dark, and the stone is gray. My dorm room is a single, and it has a fireplace and a mantel over it. It looks like furniture you would see in an old church. The classes are rigorous, but living here is pretty fun. I miss my freshman year, I had more friends back then. 

Imagine Harry Potter. It’s not a castle but it’s similar. I am a witch, but I can’t do the type of magic you’re thinking of. I wish I could though, wouldn’t that be sick? No, I’m just normal. I read the Harry Potter books when I was 11, using them as escapism. I mentioned my traumas before, but it’s still not the time to talk about them. I would delve myself into the books, wishing I could be there with Harry, Hermione, and Ron. I hate J.K. Rowling but Harry Potter is something I can never let go of.


End file.
